THINGS U SHOULD NEVER DO!

Never touch your best friends penis cause it just ain't right

Never use the term "It is what it is"...because what else could IT be?

Never wear tight tight tight clothing when you are bigger than a freight train and walk around Wallmart...people might be watching...MILLIONS of people might be watching

Never scratch your own dirty sweaty sack and make your wife smell it...unless you really don't like sex

Never pick your nose and eat it...in the car...in traffic...cause you ain't invisible

Never place truck nuts on your truck...no matter what

Never take your pants off in a phone booth unless you are Superman

Never pretend to shoot a spiderweb like spiderman with you know what after you were doing you know who

Never say the word Rusty Trombone on a radio station...it could cost you almost $30,000. Just ask the owner of Infinity Broadcasting

Never siphon gas from a car just because prices go up five cents...it's actually only an extra dollar per tank of gas...

Never pretend to answer a skill testing math question in public unless you know the answer
During your wedding anniversary party, describing your husband as the "one-minute miracle" in bed is just plain mean.

Never compare your wife to your favorite porn actress unless the pizza delivery guy has a big penis and you would like to watch her with him

Never be downwind of flatulance that isn't yours

Never be too candid at the water cooler, I don't care about your experiences with painful, recurring bouts of rectal fissures

Never celebrate Tourette Syndrome Awareness Month at Church

Never announce that you spent many hours pounding your meat at Thanksgiving dinner

Never confuse the American President's name with "that dude they just executed" in a New York bar when announcing that you are no longer a virgin at the age of 37

Never serve food at a potluck that you have desecrated with your own bodily fluids

Never fart on command...it will be expected

Never send an email to your Director when hammered on Jaggers and Dr. Peppers...at 3 am on a Tuesday night the day before you hand in your resignation

Never touch the handle of a public washroom door.
Never start an 80 car pile up.
Never drink Tiger's blood.
Never share your credit card.
Never for a second think that Charlie Sheen isn't talented, isn't crazy and isn't an epic car accident.
Never record your coworkers noises in the bathroom on your iphone. Bad Karma.
Never call an Asian, "riceball". They don't like it.
Never use the word "munjacake". Pound for pound Italians eat more cake more often at more events than any other race of people on this planet.
Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
Never take nine hits of ecstacy and board a plane from Miami to Toronto. They will turn that plane around.
Never wear a Tron suit you made yourself and post it on Utube.
Never wear chicks clothes and dance around singing "Single Lady, Single Lady, Put your hands up!"
Never kill a resort shark in Cuba, they are not dangerous.
Never Facebook when hammered.
Never stay up until 2 am on a weeknight when you can't sleep writing silly blogs no one will ever read.
Never smack a Blackberry out of someone's hand unless they ignore you. Especially if they are a stranger. They really do not like that.
Never slap the assbasket of a stranger at closing time at a club as he might fight you. Actually...he will!
Never bag a stranger and say pass it on after shooting him repeatedly with a the "gotcha guns".
Never light your own fart with a lighter. Bad things happen.
Never tip cows.
Never run from bulls in tight alleyways with a gazillion strangers. The stranger will step on your head to get away from the bull. It's not a win situation.
Never attempt any stunts you saw on Jackass. EVER! It hurts.
Never get your nipple pierced.
Never get a tattoo on your ankle bone...need I say more?
Never drink your own urine unless it impresses a hot chick.
Never eat feces. No excuse...ever.
Never lick a metal fence in winter, you will regret it.
Never eat yellow icecles.
Never spend money you don't have.
Never let a woman fill her own gas tank on a first date especially if she has to use crutches to walk. She might fall. Somone might see you in the passenger seat as she does the "spiderman" crawl up driver side window.
Never get distracted if you hear feedback from a one night stands ear as you huff and puff in it. Finish as if she was a normal healthy person.
Never purchase hulk fists and ten jars of petroleum jelly at Wallmart at the same time.
Never pick up two hookers without having the cash on hand and then lie to them, drive them for over 30 minutes to your destination, only to find out the Credit Card pin number you thought you knew, is wrong. This will be the longest 30 minute drive you will ever have to endure. Believe u me.
Never try to sleep with your fathers girlfriend in the spare room while he's home.
Never try to sleep with your girlfriends mother, let her make the first move.
Never say the following on a playdate:
"I think it's really great you're able to just let the housecleaning go and not worry about clutter!"
"I know you said Lexi is allergic, but the cookies wouldn't have been the same without peanut butter."
"He looks nothing like you."
Never fight like a girl unless you are one.
Never cheat on your spouse .......... and get caught.
Never put soap bubbles in a public fountain.
Never pour shampoo into a hot tub in Niagara falls. One word...foam-monster!
Never pull the fire alarm for any reason. Oh, unless there really is a fire.
Never take a fire extinguisher from the Grade 13 hall and run down the freshman grade 9er hall dousing them with all that white fire retardent. The principle will not like you and some pimply faced hall monitor will make it their mission in life to see a Grade 13 bully...suspended, fined and harrassed by his own parents.
Never tie up the school janitor.
Never do acid and go to football practise.
Never do acid when you are tied up.
Never take more than the recommended dose of any substance...especially Viagra and Ex-lax.
Never format the hard drive of a coworker.
Never smoke pot in a work van in front of a coworker you barely know. They might tell.
Never sleep with a coworker...unless they are so hot it's worth dismissal, divorce and losing your kids.
Never "shart" far from home.
Never drink 20 shots of Jaggermeister...you will go blind.
Never run up credit card debt....unless you want to claim bankruptcy, in that case...carry on as you were.
Never visit the Harrison Hot Springs East of Vancouver. There is nothing to see there and it stinks.
Never masturbate on video then leave the video camera lying around in case your roommate finds it, watches it and then questions you for years and years and YEARS to come.
Never scare someone in the shower if they leave the door open...it's wet, slippery and generally dangerous as hell.
Never shake a vending machine. They are more deadly than sharks....mmm? What was that? Let me explain - "according to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission there were 37 known vending machine fatalities between 1978 and 1995, for an average of 2.18 deaths per year. Over the past decade there were a total of six recorded shark attack fatalities in the U.S., for an average of .6 deaths per year."
Statistics don't lie. Just let the fifty cents go..
Never place your friend in the trunk of your car, sneak him into the drive-in theatre while your friends deaf girlfriend is in the back seat. The trunkmonkey may say things like, 'I'm stuck in Lisa's Vajayjay! HELP! Help me guys! I can't get out." You will bewilder your friends girlfriend as you pull the car over, back up to the concession stand and let out the trunk monkey in front of everyone.
Never stand beside a stack of beer by the side of the road. Teenagers will pick you up, pretend to be your friend, drink all your beer and leave you to rot in a ditch.
Never get so drunk ice fishing you light yourself on fire with a propane tank.
Never wear a wedding ring while ice fishing. There is no way to chase it down the hole...you are not Alice.
Never litter, the world is dirty enough from the last two Tsunami's.
Never tell a secret to a friend...it will not remain a secret to anyone but you God and everyone you know.
Never pray for money, money knows how to find the people who worship it.
Never pop pimples, that is just gross.
Never forget to wipe your bum..."bott rott" sucks ass!
Never tell a joke in which you can't remember the punch line.
Never heckle a comedian, he might come at you with his guitar and break it over your back.
Never kick a sink with a hockey skate on. The tournament officials will find out and they will make you pay for a new sink.
Never jump out of the penalty box in a tournament and start a fight. The ref won't like you and it may cost your team money. Well, let me clarify, it will cost them money.
Never steal unless it's a bank and you know for sure you won't get caught. Banks are rich, they don't need the money.
Never lie...yeah...whose kidding who.
Never cheat...unless you are taking multiple choice exams at University and you devise a fool proof scheme of scratching your eye for A, flicking some hair for B, changing your writing hand for C and coughing for ALL OF THE ABOVE.
Never turn off your cell phone in a sad movie...people will need to be reminded they are at the movies and will not want to feel sad. They would rather be mad. Especially when the lights come on.
Never approach a man bigger than you and say, "What are you looking at my fiance for?" He might turn back and say, "I thought she was a hooker!" He and his big friends will only laugh at you as your fiance realizes what a loser you are and she will dump your for not sticking up for her. Maybe she does dress like a hooker too...so you might be better off without marrying a slut.
Never shave your head for a cause like Cancer, they will fire you at your job especially if you are a waitress. You are replaceable.
Never wear shorts that are so tight you create the male version of the camel toe.
Never wear skin tight pants and skin tight shirts if you are fat and you shop at Wallmart. Viral photo emails will be made of you without you ever knowing.
Never punch a baby. (Really? Is this necessary?)
Never take on more than five ten year old's at a time. They are strong little bastards and they can take you down. I don't care if you are GSP...they will bring you down in sheer numbers.
Never steal library books. Oh wait, you paid for them with your taxes...I guess we'll let that one go.
Never pull people's hair. Some hair isn't real and will come loose.
Never dance while on a Blackberry...you will get punched...I promise you!
Never spit beer on a guy doing the "sprinkler" dance move. He will want to fight. Also, when he wants to fight, never tell him to come back with five of his friends because he's smaller than you and you feel sorry for him. He will bring his friends and you will have to fight all five of them. All the way out to the parking lot and over a car. One of your friends might break his necklace and break a rib. It's possible?
Never drive drunk.
Never drive drunk with a drink in your hand.
Never drive drunk with a drink in your hand passing a roach back and forth. You will be going 20 in a 40 and you will get pulled over.
Never read the Berenstein Bears B book. You might kill yourself.
Never smoke cigarettes. Unless a hot chick is smoking one and you want to "get with her." Then fire one up and look cool just to "get with her."
Never watch the movie "The Black Swan."  It's not a movie. It's a pain in your brain that won't go away with Tylenol.
Never drink three cokes in a row. You will burp out a kidney.
Never drink coolers fast. Gut Rot is almost as painful as Bott Rott.
Never drink 23 beers in one hour. You could die.
Never watch porn with a group of men. It's awkward and wrong. Unless you are gay in which case, carry on.
Never watch porn in which animals are being seduced. Animals like to have sex in private in the woods with each other. They don't know what money is or what a camera is. If they did, it would be a whole different matter.
Never say you hate someone. Let them say it first and then punch them. Punches hurt more than words, believe me.
Never throw snowballs at other kids. You might hit one in the face, break his glasses and spend the entire day in the principles office waiting for your parents to pick you up and when they do...they will kill you. It's not worth it.
Never light a fire in a dry field and chant, "let it go, just a bit bigger." Fireman hate April Fool's Day Fires, they are not funny at all.

Never let yourself get to the point where you can no longer see your penis or wipe your bum. Go on a diet.
Never tell a fat person, "Hey, have you lost weight?" We just want to eat you at that point.
Never fart in an elevator.
Never fart during a 69.
Never streak...there is no excuse for this...not now...not ever.
Never watch MTV live with Daryn Jones. Ever. Never ever Never. He obviously doesn't want you too.
Never slap a coworker unless they hit you first, with foreign objects or fists.
Never send flame emails at work...unless it's your last day.
Never copy other people's facebook updates...not cool.
Never get out of your car with a hockey stick and approach the car that has been tailgating you for the past two miles. It's not funny...especially if they have a gun.
Never date your cousin.
Never eat food off the floor or any surface that isn't clean. Car floor, kitchen floor, restaurant table..........asphalt.
Never cry in public if you are a man unless you just lost the Stanley Cup, then it's okay. Especially if it was game 7 in overtime.
Never masturbate on an airplane with a stranger beside you.
Never adjust yourself at work when you think no one is looking. Security gaurds love people like you. Especially if you dig your hands into the wet recess of your pubic fruit bowl and take a whiff. NEVER EVER do that anywhere. Monkeys even get caught on camera doing that.
Never try to swallow your own member. Unless you are Ron Jeremy.
Never try to sleep with a friend, especially if they are asleep.
Never try to speed eat an onion for $100 bucks in under a minute. The world record is 48 seconds. Don't fall for that one! Three hours later after failing to win the bet, you will feel thunder like never before and you will be cleansed.
Never try to take a teaspoon of cinnamon in your mouth on a bet for $100. It's worth $500, not $100.
Never let anyone know that you have a price that will make you do anything. Trust me!
Never tell your kids you don't like them. They take it personally.
Never tell your mother you don't like her, she already knows that from your teenage years.
Never go to jail...you will not get Monopoly money of any kind and they will feed you Macdonald's food...if you are lucky.
Never give the finger to a cop. He will chase you on foot if he has to...believe you me!
Never tell a child the artwork they bring home is good. It's not. It never will be and they should just give up their dreams of being an artist like the rest of us.
Never fire a friend who works for you. He won't be your friend anymore.
Never run into a washroom in an emergency at high speed. You may find that a member of the opposite sex is sitting beside you making noises you have never heard before. Remember, if it happens...they can see your shoes.
Never play punchbuggy games....they are stupid and you might get hurt and Volkswagon does not endorse the sport.
Never buy a Mini Cooper if you are a man. Please for the love of God don't make me explain this.
Never "release" into a woman's V-Jayjay unless you A) are married and want kids B) Are divorced and she's living with another man C) You are paying her D) you have protection E) You love having kids while being unwed at 18 years old. Do what a real man would do, oral deposits. Fail safe!
Never jump off a bridge because your buddy did. My mom told me that one!
Never laugh at a funeral...pinch yourself until you bleed and then cry dammit...cry like a sick little baby because if you laugh for any reason...God will hate you and so will the ghost of the person who just died.
Never laugh during Christmas eve mass with your girlfriends parents in the same pew. They know!  They can feel the bench shaking, they can see you hunched over holding your nose, they already know you are banging their daughter and do not need another reason to hate you for the perverted little baboon you know you are.
Never punch a random stranger in the face.
Never invite friends to be a Zombie Pirate Snot Monster on Facebook
Never play Farmville, it's an evil time sucking waste
Never create a fake facebook account using a picture of a hot woman from a car show you found on google and try to add as many friends as you can...including your own real friends. They will be mad and may not like you anymore.
Never ever yell "Your money or your dead!" as your standing behind a complete stranger at an ATM machine at 1:00 am.
Never ask for a kiss....EVER!
Never check your Blackberry during intercourse. NEVER just lie there...you know what I mean, we've all had one of those...haven't we?
Never douche before sex - look it up....not good!
Never play tea-bag tag with a buddy or a stranger in the mens change room at the gym. EVER!
Never towel fight in a change room if you are over the age of 8.
Never refer to breasts as "chesticles" outside the locker room.
Never spit in a girls face during intercourse...adult movies are ADULT MOVIES and they are being paid to do strange things.
Never go pool hopping over the age of 30.
Never call your ex-girlfriend while intoxicated and tell her you killed your roommate....and that she should come over....at 2 am. She will send police, firemen and ambulances to your apartment. Trust me.
Never use a condom catheter unless you have COMPLETELY SHAVED prior to the surgery. Three middle aged nurses cutting pubes without any pain killers is not fun. So I am told.
NEVER get caught "pulling the goalie"!
Never give up, no matter hard it is to extricate the candy cane from your pig butt cleavage line.

THINGS U SHOULD NEVER DO!

Thursday, May 12, 2011